How to finding meaning in uncertain grief
Loss is a universal experience, yet not all loss follows the same path. Some forms of are more elusive, leaving people grappling with an unsettling mixture of emotions that can linger for years. This type of grief is known as ambiguous loss, a complex emotional experience that many families face but few fully understand.
Imagine this: A child’s once-lively voice is now a distant memory as they battle a chronic illness, or a spouse, still physically present, is no longer the person you once knew due to dementia or addiction. Perhaps a family member has gone missing, leaving you in agonizing suspense, unsure if they will ever return. These situations, while vastly different, share a common thread: they all represent a form of loss, where clarity is absent, closure feels impossible, and the traditional methods of mourning offer little comfort.
What is ambiguous loss?
The concept of ambiguous loss was first introduced by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s as she observed the painful experiences of families who were left with soldiers missing during the Vietnam War. These families lived in limbo, not knowing whether to mourn or hold onto hope. Over time, Boss’s term has expanded to include a wide variety of situations where a person experiences a loss feels confusing or unresolved.
There are two main types of ambiguous loss:
• Physical absence with psychological presence: This occurs when someone is physically missing but emotionally remains part of your life. Families with a missing child or adult, or loved ones serving in military combat zones, live with the constant question: Are they still out there? There is no finality, only an aching void that traditional grieving can’t touch.
• Psychological absence with physical presence: Here, the loved one is physically present but mentally or emotionally unavailable, often due to conditions like Alzheimer’s disease, brain injuries, severe depression, or addiction. Parents may mourn the loss of a teenager or adult child who lives with substance abuse, or a spouse may grieve the partner they once knew, all while still taking care of their physical needs.
In both cases, individuals are left without the closure or comfort that comes with a more conventional type of loss, where there is a definitive endpoint.
How to cope
Navigating the emotional terrain of ambiguous loss is deeply personal, and finding ways to cope can be equally unique to each individual or family. But certain strategies can help ease the burden.
Acknowledge and validate emotions: It’s okay to grieve someone who is still physically present or to mourn a future that feels impossible. Recognizing these feelings is crucial. By naming the loss, a person can give themselves the permission to feel sad, angry, or confused—all natural reactions to ambiguous loss.
Seek support and connection: Those living with this type of loss don’t have to go through this alone. Support groups, whether in-person or online, can provide a safe space for sharing stories with others who truly understand. Connecting with others may help alleviate feelings of isolation..
Create meaningful rituals: Sometimes, closure can come from creating private rituals to honour the person or relationship. Experts suggest crafting a memory book, lighting a candle in their honour, or establishing new family traditions that help keep a sense of connection, even in their absence.
Prioritize Self-Care: Particularly when grappling with the emotional turbulence of ambiguous loss, self-care is key. Exercise, hobbies, mindfulness, or simply taking time to rest can help a person regain a sense of control and provide much-needed relief.
Professional Support: Therapy can be an invaluable resource. A therapist familiar with ambiguous loss can help individuals unpack your feelings, provide tools to navigate the complex emotions, and guide someone toward acceptance, even when closure seems unreachable.
Canadian resources for families facing ambiguous loss
The Alzheimer’s Society of Canada has local chapters across the country offering specialized programs aimed at helping caregivers understand their feelings of grief and navigate the complexities of caring for a loved one with dementia. These programs include educational workshops, ongoing support groups, and one-on-one counselling sessions, all designed to provide practical advice and emotional support.
Additionally, the Canadian Virtual Hospice is another excellent resource for those experiencing grief and loss. Their online platform offers articles, forums, and videos on topics related to caregiving, grief, and end-of-life care. They also offer personalized support through an Ask a Professional service, where caregivers can connect with healthcare professionals for advice tailored to their specific situation.
For those looking for more personal support, provincial caregiver support lines offer phone-based counselling and advice. These services, often run by local health ministries, can help caregivers cope with their feelings of grief, loneliness, and burnout. They also provide referrals to local resources, ensuring caregivers receive the help they need close to home.
Whether someone is navigating a loved one’s slow cognitive decline or living with the uncertainty of a missing family member its important to acknowledge that the feelings are valid, and support is available. Ambiguous loss is complex, but with the right tools and community there is a way forward.
Kaylie Dolan is a graduate student in International Migration and Public Policy at the London School of Economics and Political Science, and a freelance writer for the Canadian Abilities Foundation.
Photo: CanStock
